Keep It Casual

That is, it’s short-sleeves time. And T-shirts count. T-shirts with ring-around-the-collar and pit-stains, however, don’t. Neither do undershirts. Can’t tell if your favorite T-shirt is soiled beyond hope? Then you’re just blinded by nostalgia. It’s gross. We can practically smell it from here.

Short-sleeve shirts are appropriate to offices that allow them, but crappy short-sleeve shirts are appropriate to crapheads. Keep them clean and ironed; even the finest-aged vintages—a 1977 remnant of a sailing contest, say—can be worn down the hallways of industry if the hems are straight and free from puckering.

Collared dress shirts with short sleeves are fantastic; Steven Malkmus and the engineers of NASA have endorsed them. Despite your own yearnings for cropped sleeves, however, you’ll want to avoid ripping the sleeves off your long-sleeved dress shirts. Instead: purchase. Buy a fitted shape, but nothing too tight. Larger men will want to err on the looser side. Button-down collars say unbuttoned personality. Details on either side of the placket—cute little boxes, illustrations, zippers—went out when Matthew Perry went to rehab. If your short sleeves are at all rolled up, you’re looking to get laid, not promoted. Plaids almost always work; patterns rarely ever do. A straight hem on the shirt will make it look like a cheap jacket, especially if the fabric’s at all waxy; stick to flap-tails. Like capri pants, three-quarter sleeves belong on women. Pockets are good for anything but storage. Bowling or gas-station shirts are good for bowling or gas stations, or demonstrating the only known proof for the argument irony is dead.

Did we mention Hawaiian shirts are now being shown in the Smithsonian? Leave them there, unless you’re surfing. And don’t think we’re ignoring a discussion on the merits of oversized silk shirts bearing dragon images or popular comic-book heroes. We simply think anyone who wears these types of shirts, and wants to have a discussion about them probably will explode from the sheer mind-fuck of multiple universes of logic co-existing in their cranium.

Golf shirts are great. Stick to bold, solid colors (better for larger men, but never pastel) or thin stripes (good for skinny guys). Wear your proper size. Keep the collar down. Realize that if you’re wearing a T-shirt underneath, people will either think that you’re younger than you are (and not in a good way) or that you don’t know how to do laundry (and are trying to get an extra day out of your shirt). Avoid wearing golf shirts to work, and certainly never to a meeting, since the fabric will crinkle and go slack (stretching out from humidity and your nervous tugging) after a few hours. If you must, try to wear a superior specimen that will look good in the late afternoon; Ralph Lauren, Lacoste, and Patagonia make excellent, sturdy shirts. Banana Republic does not.